Event Recaps Fitness

“I’m tired of feeling broken”

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Dance…

Nothing more for me to say
Time for me to run away
Walking through the door
Don’t need this anymore.

Now my life is calling me
Finally I’m breaking free
It’s all I’m waiting for
I’ve never felt so sure.

I’m tired of laughing
And I’m tired of crying
I’m tired of failing
And I’m tired of all this trying.

I wanna do some living
Cause I’ve done enough of dying.
I just wanna dance…

And I’m tired of waiting
Tired of hoping
Tired of music
And tired of feeling broken

I’ve gotta do some living
Cause I’ve done enough of dying
I just wanna dance
I just wanna fucking dance…

“I Just Wanna Fucking Dance”  – Alison Jiear /Wayne G

I find it particularly amazing what songs will pop into your head or onto your Ipod at any given moment as sometimes music lyrics sum up life better than trying to use my own words to explain it.

The backstory behind this particular track is that I used to teach the “clean” version in Bodystep and I liked it so much, I hoped to be able to find a version to teach for my freestyle cycle classes and a few years ago, I happened upon this version.   However much I was inspired by it, I didn’t think my employer would approve of the profanities in the lyrics, so it has been in circulation for my ears only.   However, I think it sums up my life rather beautifully at the moment.

Tomorrow is my one year anniversary of my  crash and as well as the hamstring, I’ve had to deal with tenosynovitis of my wrist which is ominously looking like it will have to be dealt with via the scalpel.  I had a cortisone shot put into the wrist on Friday and I was warned that I was going to be sore but by last night I was feeling rather miserable.  Yet, until last night, I had never really grieved for the loss of my training year, or even truly acknowledged the trauma of the crash and subsequent recovery, whilst trying to train for Three Peaks (and wondering why I wasn’t getting anywhere).

For the first time since the crash, I cried.  And cried.  And cried.   I acknowledged the depression I have suffered as a result of the crash and I also acknowledged that I have been way too hard on myself and rather dealing with the emotions head on, I’ve dived into maladaptive behaviours such as eating too much.   I have gained fifteen kilograms since the crash and yes, the added weight is making me miserable too.   However, after a few hours of crying it out, have come to the realisation that it’s only a symptom of how I’ve been feeling, it’s not me and that with a bit of dietary renovation and loving kindness, it will come off.   You may see me writing about that journey more – I need a space to express my feelings and my imperfections/failures rather than trying to be so darn perfect all the time.

Today I participated in the Qld Tri Series Raby Bay Triathlon.  I surprised myself in the swim, coming out 7th in my age group.  Coach Mark at Uni pool will be very pleased, I suspect.   The bike leg was also good, but the time marred by an inordinate amount of time in the transition areas – I’m sure the super experienced triathletes thought I was going to settle in for a nice cup of tea and good book.  I made a mental note to investigate tri shoes and tri glide (this apparently helps slide your feet into shoes without the need for socks).     The run, well, it was more of a shuffle than a run, complete with another dose of tears as all of the people I passed on the swim and bike came galloping past.    After feeling a tad immature, I had a bit of a laugh at myself, that I still have the competitive animal lurking inside – 15th out of 20 in my age category,  surely I can do better than that?

I was given two pairs of QTS ankle socks on the way out of transition today.  My cycling friends would laugh as a high sock height is considered de rigueur in the cycling world.  I’ll just have to save those babies up for triathlon group rides where no one will bat an eyelid.

I’m feeling a bit better for a good howl – very therapeutic.   I’ve come to the conclusion that we, as a society, have a tendency to over medicalise normal emotional reactions to unpleasant events sometimes (not talking about life threatening traumatic events though).

Onwards and upwards for a better week ahead.

 

 

 

9 thoughts on ““I’m tired of feeling broken”

  1. Hi Liz! Even though you have been going through some tough stuff for the past 12 months, you need to take it for what it is……a lesson in life. You will come out of this a stronger person and surprisingly a person who REALLY treasures their health and fitness even more. As the years go by and I am now feeling the niggles and have been sidelined from my beloved running for long periods over the past few years, I have come to the conclusion that shit happens and that you have a small window of being the best you can be (whether it be 1 year or 10 years). You have to adjust—I no longer run at 4 min pace of course but the fact that I can actually move through space gives me so much pleasure. My physical issues are never going to be resolved completely, but hey, I have had “a good run”, ha! I am now re-focusing on weight training (neglected and not used for over 10 years!) and loving it. Give yourself another year Liz, you are a youngster and you will look back on this for what it is…… a test and a lesson of mental strength. xxx Karen

  2. I hear you sister! Thank you for sharing. Good on you for crying and crying and crying. It is better out than in.
    Be kind to yourself. I know that is hard and I am happy for you to say that to me too.
    I will continue to watch your recovery and I am always here to support if you need it. All my love to you.
    Jen xxx

  3. Oh yes, you cannot underestimate the power of a good cry.

    I’ve been a misery-guts for a while now and struggling to pull myself out of the hole. I’ve gained 30-40kg since my move and at the moment don’t do ANY exercise. Like nothing. I think the thing that frustrates me most is that I’ve let myself become this. Three years ago I was gymming and my weight had (at least) stablised. And yet now…

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