Nothing more for me to say
Time for me to run away
Walking through the door
Don’t need this anymore.
Now my life is calling me
Finally I’m breaking free
It’s all I’m waiting for
I’ve never felt so sure.
I’m tired of laughing
And I’m tired of crying
I’m tired of failing
And I’m tired of all this trying.
I wanna do some living
Cause I’ve done enough of dying.
I just wanna dance…
And I’m tired of waiting
Tired of hoping
Tired of music
And tired of feeling broken
I’ve gotta do some living
Cause I’ve done enough of dying
I just wanna dance
I just wanna fucking dance…
“I Just Wanna Fucking Dance” – Alison Jiear /Wayne G
I find it particularly amazing what songs will pop into your head or onto your Ipod at any given moment as sometimes music lyrics sum up life better than trying to use my own words to explain it.
The backstory behind this particular track is that I used to teach the “clean” version in Bodystep and I liked it so much, I hoped to be able to find a version to teach for my freestyle cycle classes and a few years ago, I happened upon this version. However much I was inspired by it, I didn’t think my employer would approve of the profanities in the lyrics, so it has been in circulation for my ears only. However, I think it sums up my life rather beautifully at the moment.
Tomorrow is my one year anniversary of my crash and as well as the hamstring, I’ve had to deal with tenosynovitis of my wrist which is ominously looking like it will have to be dealt with via the scalpel. I had a cortisone shot put into the wrist on Friday and I was warned that I was going to be sore but by last night I was feeling rather miserable. Yet, until last night, I had never really grieved for the loss of my training year, or even truly acknowledged the trauma of the crash and subsequent recovery, whilst trying to train for Three Peaks (and wondering why I wasn’t getting anywhere).
For the first time since the crash, I cried. And cried. And cried. I acknowledged the depression I have suffered as a result of the crash and I also acknowledged that I have been way too hard on myself and rather dealing with the emotions head on, I’ve dived into maladaptive behaviours such as eating too much. I have gained fifteen kilograms since the crash and yes, the added weight is making me miserable too. However, after a few hours of crying it out, have come to the realisation that it’s only a symptom of how I’ve been feeling, it’s not me and that with a bit of dietary renovation and loving kindness, it will come off. You may see me writing about that journey more – I need a space to express my feelings and my imperfections/failures rather than trying to be so darn perfect all the time.
Today I participated in the Qld Tri Series Raby Bay Triathlon. I surprised myself in the swim, coming out 7th in my age group. Coach Mark at Uni pool will be very pleased, I suspect. The bike leg was also good, but the time marred by an inordinate amount of time in the transition areas – I’m sure the super experienced triathletes thought I was going to settle in for a nice cup of tea and good book. I made a mental note to investigate tri shoes and tri glide (this apparently helps slide your feet into shoes without the need for socks). The run, well, it was more of a shuffle than a run, complete with another dose of tears as all of the people I passed on the swim and bike came galloping past. After feeling a tad immature, I had a bit of a laugh at myself, that I still have the competitive animal lurking inside – 15th out of 20 in my age category, surely I can do better than that?
I was given two pairs of QTS ankle socks on the way out of transition today. My cycling friends would laugh as a high sock height is considered de rigueur in the cycling world. I’ll just have to save those babies up for triathlon group rides where no one will bat an eyelid.
I’m feeling a bit better for a good howl – very therapeutic. I’ve come to the conclusion that we, as a society, have a tendency to over medicalise normal emotional reactions to unpleasant events sometimes (not talking about life threatening traumatic events though).
Onwards and upwards for a better week ahead.